What do you say when your son is terrified of presenting something to the class the next day, or when your daughter can't sleep because she misses her mom, who lives elsewhere? Do you try to cheer them up and offer advice, or do you attempt to distract or change the topic?

How we handle difficult emotions in children can significantly impact their emotional, social, and psychological development. One way to address both positive and challenging emotions in children is through empathic validation, a crucial skill for emotionally aware parents.

Box aside from the article: This article is part of a series of four articles on emotion-focused skills for emotionally aware parents. The other articles are about repairing, setting boundaries, and emotion traps, and will be published in the following months.

A Challenging Task

Let me start by saying that dealing with a child's emotions is a demanding task, and all parents make mistakes, often many times. Emotions can seem inexplicable and irrational. They can be powerful and disruptive. Our own emotions can lead us to do or say things we regret. Daily life can be hectic – sometimes chaotic – and we don't always have the time to pause, reflect, or think carefully.

No parent will get it "right" every time, and that's not the goal. A child gains essential experiences from being misunderstood, feeling injustice, not always getting what they want, seeing their parents make mistakes, and having to handle things on their own. So, the aim of this article is not to make you as a parent feel like you've done something wrong or that you always have to be vigilant. The goal is to provide insight into an approach to dealing with emotions that research suggests is beneficial for a child's emotional development.

How to Validate

Children's (and adults') emotions primarily need four things (Stiegler, Sinding & Greenberg, 2018): 

1.      They need to be seen – we notice that they're feeling something.

2.      They need to be put into words – we show that we understand what they're feeling.

3.      They need to be validated – we demonstrate that it makes sense for the child to react this way.

4.      They need a need met – whether it's comfort, security, affirmation, or setting boundaries for themselves.

Let's take a closer look at point 3, validating feelings, as it may be the most crucial aspect. Validating someone else's feelings involves showing that what they're feeling makes sense to you and that it's okay to feel that way. This kind of affirmation of feelings is essential.

There are countless ways to show another person that you understand and that it makes sense. When someone shares something sad, even just meeting them with an empathetic expression, sighing with them, or saying, "Oh, how sad!" can demonstrate both acceptance and understanding. However, we'll delve a bit deeper.

A good validation typically starts with phrases like, "No wonder you feel..., because..." or "Of course, you feel this way, when..." For example, for a child who is afraid to present to the class, you might say, "Of course, you're nervous; it's quite scary to stand up in front of others and speak."

Another example could be saying to a child missing their mother, "It's not surprising that you miss mom and feel sad because you enjoy spending time with her and wish she were here now."

A common rule, is that a validation never includes the word "but" because it quickly negates what you said first. For instance, "It's not surprising you miss Peter, but you'll make new friends to play with" can come across as unsympathetic. When you feel the urge to say "but," try using "because" instead: "...because Peter was so much fun to play with, and you wish he didn't have to move."

Validation is crucial for making a child feel understood, ensuring they don't feel alone in their feelings or feel the need to hide them. Validating a child's emotions is a vital part of teaching them to understand, recognize, express, and, most importantly, manage their emotions effectively. It builds resilience and emotional competence, which are valuable assets in life.

The Gut Response is Often to Invalidate

However, this is hard. Let's say your child comes home from school crying and says, "I hate being at school. None of the other kids like me or want to play with me, and I just feel lonely and alone. I never want to go back!" Many parents' immediate reflex may be to try to cheer them up, challenge what the child is feeling, or ask probing questions to check the accuracy of their emotions. But in trying to quickly make the child feel better, we often fail to acknowledge their actual emotions.

The opposite of validation is invalidation. This can involve minimizing, dismissing, refuting, ignoring, or even criticizing what the other person is feeling. Invalidation in this example might be, "No, that's not true! Lots of kids want to be your friend; you played with Mark and Sarah last week."

This is invalidating because it signals to the child that what they're feeling is wrong, unnecessary, or incomprehensible. This type of invalidation can be positive because it denies the feeling but looks for something positive and encouraging. It can make the child feel that you don't understand, that they are alone in their feelings, or that they are wrong for feeling that way.

When parents are tired, frustrated, or exasperated with their child, invalidations can take on a more negative tone, like, "Nonsense! The other kids like you, but maybe they find it hard to play with you when you're so noisy."

This is a negative form of invalidation that often makes the child feel criticized, scolded, or ashamed of their feelings and who they are. This occurs more frequently than we might think, and everyone resorts to negative invalidations at times. In fact, telling children to "toughen up," "get it together," or "stop caring" can also be considered negative invalidations because they can make the other person feel ashamed if they can't simply let it go.

Consequences of Invalidation

It's not harmful to invalidate a little every now and then. However, excessive invalidation can have some adverse long-term consequences. It signals to the child that they can't trust their feelings. As a result, they may struggle to understand their emotions, listen to them, or view them as noise. Some may even ignore their feelings altogether, losing touch with their inner compass. This is unfortunate because our feelings, at their best, inform us of what we need.

Children who experience frequent invalidation may feel shame when they experience something painful or challenging. They may withdraw, become frustrated and anxious, or become clingy. Since they can't trust their own feelings, they may spend a lot of time dwelling on the past, worrying about the future, or becoming overly analytical when making difficult decisions.

Why Validate?

As parents, we want our children to be able to follow their dreams, stand up for themselves, fight for what they believe in, be resilient, and handle resistance and challenges. For this, they need to listen to, understand, and trust their own feelings so they can choose to follow them, act on them, or even defy them.

This is achieved, in part, through validation (Gottman, 2011). In the example of a child feeling alone at school, validation might be, "Oh, it must be painful to feel rejected and that nobody likes you. It's understandable that you feel lonely and don't want to go back." Here, you show that you understand how difficult this is for the child and that their reaction is understandable.

This is just one example. Validations should be tailored to your child and what you know about their situation, experiences, and priorities. The more precise and thorough your validation, the deeper it can be.

A deep validation could be: "That's tough, Hanna. No wonder you're sad. I know school has been challenging lately, and you haven't been having any fun. Plus, Ingrid and Mari haven't been very nice, so you feel left out. I also know you really want to play with them because you've had so much fun before, slept over, and played together. I understand that you don't want to go to school and see them again."

A good rule of thumb is that deep validations should be done when you have time and the opportunity to talk thoroughly with the child alone. When you're on the move or setting boundaries, you can offer shorter and simpler validations. Trust your gut feeling, your knowledge of the child, and do what feels right.

Some Clarifications on Validation

Now, let's clarify a few points:

Firstly: Validating someone's feelings is not the same as saying it's true. If a child is afraid of a dog, you can validate their fear without saying the dog is dangerous. Validation involves showing the child that what they feel makes sense, not necessarily confirming that what they feel is truly happening.

If we quickly jump to challenge what the child feels, dig into what has happened, or question the truthfulness, the child will quickly not feel understood. Your task is to manage the emotion your child has, not to investigate whether it is right or wrong.

So, even if what your child is feeling seems exaggerated and perhaps unreasonable compared to what has happened, validation will be an important way to help your child cope with it. Try to postpone objections and other perspectives and views until the child feels that you have understood. When the child feels understood, the emotions often become calmer, and the child's understanding usually becomes more nuanced.

Secondly: Validating your child's feelings is not the same as agreeing with everything. Even if you validate, you can still disagree or set boundaries when necessary! In fact, validation is almost a prerequisite for setting boundaries effectively. You can read more about this in the article on setting boundaries. In the example above, you can show understanding that the child does not want to return to school, but this does not mean allowing them to stay home in the future. Education is important for the child, and at some point, you will need to help the child attend school and handle the social challenges there.

Thirdly: Validating feelings is not the same as indulging them. Many people are afraid to delve into painful emotions, fearing that it might make things worse, bring out more painful things, or lead to self-pity. It is true that when you validate a child's emotions, the emotions may intensify a bit. However, this does not mean that you have created new emotions in the child but that you have provided a space for the emotions that were already there to be expressed.

If you validate, and the emotions intensify, you have likely hit the mark. If you miss the mark, and the child does not recognize what you are saying, they will often let you know. Most people who struggle have not received enough help in managing painful emotions, not too much.

Now, if you feel that this is very challenging or that you have invalidated your child a lot, I can try to validate you with the following: Of course, you cannot always validate your child's feelings; nobody can. All parents want their children to be happy, which is why we often try to cheer them up or distract them from negative emotions. In doing so, we inadvertently invalidate their feelings. Managing a child's emotions while handling our own is a daunting task. Fortunately, we do not have to be perfect, and we can always make repairs and practice doing better.

FACTS

·         A typical validation might start like this: "It's not surprising that you feel... because..."

·         Validation should never include the word "but." When you want to say "but," try using "because" instead to show understanding.

·         Your task is to help the child with what they are feeling, not to investigate whether what they feel is correct.

·         Try to avoid cheering up difficult emotions before you've shown that you understand the pain.

·         Avoid phrases like "I understand... " unless you are very sure that you understand and can prove it.

·         Even when you validate, you can still disagree and set boundaries.

·         Everyone makes mistakes many times, and you can always repair.

Aksel Inge Sinding is a Norwegian psychologist, author, and EFT and EFT-T trainer and supervisor. He has published six books, is active in podcasts, and writes columns/reviews. He also serves as office manager at the EFT Institute in Asker, Norway.

This text was first published in Norwegian at www.psykologisk.no

References

Gottman, J. (2011). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. New York: Simon and Schuster.

Stiegler, J.R., Sinding, A.I., & Greenberg, L. (2018). Klok på følelser – det følelsene prøver å fortelle deg. Oslo: Gyldendal.

Tronick, E.Z. & Gianino, A. (1986). Interactive Mismatch and Repair: Challenges to the Coping Infant. Zero to Three, 6(3), 1–6."

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